rhyll | Recent Entries

I'm back in Perth.

Last night was the first time since I left that I woke up disoriented in the middle of the night, confused about where and when I was, unsure about how the space around me fit together.

This morning I felt panicked about being back, about whether I can make sure that being here feels as wonderful as the last couple of weeks have. There have been many aspects that were difficult (particularly all my people-anxieties and my sense of inadequacy in the face of so much Awesome), but there is also a lot that I'm afraid of losiing.

I made lists in my head. What was the essence of the best of my time at burning man and the last few days in SF? Where are the places that it exists here? Projects that need work, communities that I am a part of, ways of living. Gifts, colour, surprises, connections, learning, exploring.

I know that Perth is full of excitement and adventure, full of Cool Things to make and do, and most especially full of people that I'm longing to spend time with. For now I feel a little overwhelmed by my return, unsure about how to handle it.

Today: unpacking and catching up on work and people, listing projects to come, making plots and plans.

It's going to take me a while to process Burning Man, but for now a quick post to let anyone who's not on FB know that I'm back in San Fransisco and alive and well.

I'm a little surprised at how little the discomforts bothered me: all the dust, no showers, sleeping in a tiny tent without a mattress, the portaloos, the heat, the cold. It helped somewhat that my entire nasal cavity was permanently full of dust, I think. I really enjoyed the dust storms, too, and had no problems with asthma the whole time I was there. (In fact, I suspect that I have stopped having asthma at all.)

Still, it's nice to be back with showers and vegetables and beds and the Internet and the potential to wash some of my clothes.

So, that's the mundane stuff. I'm not sure where to start writing about the rest of it.

I'm hanging out at someone-called-Ramon(e)'s house at the moment. We got all packed up on the RV, and I got to feel all intrepid and useful by climbing up on the roof and pulling bikes up (I think we're at around 12 now?) and strapping them on with Tim*.

The RV broke down going up one of SF's crazy hills. So we are now in this house, being hosted by some lovely people, with people who actually have mobile phones and friends and competence making decisions and trying to arrange trucks and cars and other ways of getting us and our stuff to the Playa. It's looking quite possible that this'll get sorted out in the next few hours. I'm feeling quite relaxed about it, because there's basically nothing I can do at this stage. So I'm just sitting back and trying to be reassuring.

----
* I am hanging out with a heap of people I've just met, all of whom are lovely. There is a Tim and a Star and a Kristen and a Matt and an Evan, and some other people whose names I've consistently missed.

So, I'm at some people's house right now, feeling very proud of myself because I managed to get here by bus without too much fuss. And I have most of the things I need, and a ukulele, and I am not (so far) paralysed with PeopleFret. The people are lovely, and they're lending me a bike, and our lift is on the way.

'm in San Francisco, ensconced in my hotel room. It feels very nestlike, tiny and cosy. A good antidote to the outside, where everything feels too big to me. Something about the streets and the buildings and the people that is just too big and which I feel very uncomfortable with. I hope it's just jetlag talking.

There are some cities I go to and love instantly, some I take a while to warm to, some I never get a chance to like. I want to like SF, but I don't so far. Tonight and tomorrow I'll do some more determined exploration of the areas that have been recommended to me, taking it cautiously because I feel like I don't quite know the codes here, what means 'safe' and what means 'trouble'. All the strangers who've talked to me have been trying to sell me something or have seemed kind of unpleasant or dangerous, so I kept walking.

There are a lot of homeless people around, a lot of people who look like their lives are hard and unpleasant with little hope of change. Australia's not perfect, but there's a lot to be said for our system of social seccurity. Or at least, a lot to be said for not having a security net with holes as wide as the US's.

1) Somewhere to stay in San Francisco for the couple of days before and after Burning Man. I think I'd like to stay with a friend-of-a-friend or check out the couchsurfing site, but I may end up getting a hotel, rather.

2) A bike. Still haven't sorted out a bicycle. If I don't, I think I can probably manage without one.

3) A camera. I was thinking of getting a lomograph or a Holga, because then I won't have to worry about recharging or running out of space. Ideally I'd like something that can do night shots, maybe one of the lomographs that does long exposures? Any recommendations?

You guys. I have never been camping before. Not ever.

Here is a short video about how very uncomfortable Burning Man is: clickyclick.

Here is an infographic showing How You Will Get Hurt at Burning Man.

I am unexpectedly going to burning man this year. I only decided a few weeks ago.

Burning Man is something I've been excited and curious about for years, but I'd only ever started to consider going over the last few months. And even then, I was thinking about going next year. And then someone pointed out that this year, while I don't have a full-time job and I'm still a bit unsure about what to do with life, is a good year to go, and said they'd help me out with getting there. Since then, a heap of people have been helping me out in various ways: with tickets, with planning, with reassurances that it'll all be okay.

So, I have a plane ticket to San Francisco. And a ticket to Burning Man that a friend's given me. An offer of a tent. Some glowthings to light me up at night so I won't get run over. Goggles.

What I don't have:
* A place to stay in San Francisco before or afterwards.
* A lift there or back.
* A bike.
* Various campingstuffs I'll need.

I'm still not sure how to manage it all. There are a few queries going out to friends-of-friends for lifts and such, and I'm also checking out the rideshare options on the Burning Man site. I'm finding this very difficult, because it involves a lot of asking strangers or near-strangers for help, being quite aware that I won't be able to give much in return.

The physical difficulties of Burning Man are pretty extreme. It's very hot and dusty, there won't be water for washing, toilet facilities sound not-so-pleasant, there are dust storms, and the nights are very cold. I'll probably get a resurgence of my eczema and asthma. I'm thinking hard about how to deal with all this effectively, but it causes me very little anxiety.

The thing I am very anxious about is all the dealing-with-people. I'm really worried about asking strangers for help, being a complete noob, being in the way or a hassle. I'm better at this than I was. When I went away on geek camps at high school, I spent a ridiculous proportion of the time angsting in my journals and feeling anxious. The first time I went away to a student activist conference by myself, I spent pretty much the whole time totally terrified and uncomfortable. When someone hugged me on the last day I nearly cried. The first time I went to a conference as a postgrad, I was better but I made a few friends and then followed them around most of the time.

I am better than I was, but going to a crazy, week-long event in which I will need other people's help just to get there and then have no safe base to come back to is a confronting thought. I'm more terrified than excited about Burning Man, but I know it'll be an amazing, challenging experience. And I do like to be challenged, apparently.

I'm also fretting a bit about the decadence of flying to the US for this. I'll be carbon-neutralling the flights, but it still requires some thought. It's not the kind of thing I can do on a regular basis, for sure. But it is something I've been wanting to do for years, and perhaps I can allow myself some (more) decadence now that I've finished my PhD?

I might post more about all of this at some point, but I wanted to at least get some thoughts down rather than letting them just race around my head like crazy.

(Crossposted from/to lj.)

...is coming up soon! Please tell anyone who you think might be interested:

Lifecycles: Clothing
workshop and clothing swap

18 August 2010, 6:30pm – 8:30pm

Edmund Rice Institute for Social Justice, 24 High Street, Fremantle, WA

Who makes the clothes you wear? What can you do to improve working conditions in the garment industry in Australia and overseas?

Many of the clothes sold in Australia are made in sweatshops in the developing world where workers are underpaid, ill treated and sometimes forced to work against their will. But what about clothing made in Australia? Even workers in Australia earn as little as $2-$3 per hour producing clothing sold here.

If you’re interested in learning more about sweatshops and promoting more ethical practices in the industry, come to the next Lifecycles workshop. The Bluestocking Institute's Lifecycles workshops help participants develop action plans around the issues that they care about.

At the Lifecycles: Clothing workshop we’ll discuss working conditions in the garment industry and the role of consumers, governments and corporations in addressing widespread abuse in the industry. We’ll also discuss the many active campaigns locally and internationally aimed at improving working conditions in the industry.

The workshop will also include a clothing swap, so if you have any clothes that you no longer need, bring them along to share with others and walk away with some new (to you) items.

Suggested donation $5

RSVP to bluestocking@bluestockinginstitute.org or visit the Lifecycles: Clothing event page on Facebook.

I have been sleeping and sleeping, and feeling sick, and making todo lists in my head. I feel behind in so many areas, People notleast. I have been dreamy, wandering through the world unstressed but unmotivated. I have been worrying about money, and about the unsteadiness and limited respect and challenge involved in my current work choices. I have been fretting about whether I what I give to the world is equal to what it gifts to me. I have been excited and terrified of new adventures. I have had limited successes at being Grown Up (tax = done!) while failing at times (dentist = unvisited, pay office = unemailed). I have been failing to organise things that I really need to organise. I have been snacking irregularly. I have been delighted by the sunshine and the rain. By the people in my life and the things they teach me and the safe spaces they create. I have been writing small stories in my head and leaving them there. I have been worried about my awkwardness.

It is all about tiny art grants. Perhaps you would like to be involved?

(I keep meaning to write a longer post, about life and changes and trying to sort out what I want to do with myself. I haven't, though. I don't mind so much.)

Ukulele in a park in the sunshine. Talking to friendly strangers. Spice cookies and chai. Music session with J and L.

I've been starting a lot of blog posts in my head, thinking a bit and then getting distracted by something else. Some of them are meant for the Bluestocking blog, some for witty title pending, some for here, some for my on-paper journal. Some fragments:

* How central food is to my feeling of community and connection. Cooking for friends makes me so happy! And it's important for me that food be inclusive: I'd rather find vegan, gluten-free, raw, sucrose-free recipes than make food some people can't eat. I've been thinking a bit about the gendered aspects of this, and about how it fits in with my approach to Bluestocking. More later? Maybe.
* On Missing, and friendship. I've had a life where lots of people I've cared about have left my life suddenly and forever, or for long stretches of time. I've adjusted to it, and I think I can now handle it reasonably well. It's hard for me, though, to accept and trust in the idea that people I know now (apart from my family) will still be in my life in five or ten or twenty years time.
* Friends. One of the things that I love the most about the people in my life right now is that they (you!) help Make Things Happen. Ideas that we think are kind of interesting, or fun, or nice, don't always end up happening...but they often do. It's changed my sense of what's possible in life.
* Some bits and pieces about embodiment, and how I feel about the connection between my body and my sense of who I am.

...I thought there was more, but I suspect I've forgotten some things. Anyway. That is all.

Hi guys,

Sorry, but I'm going to be spamming the Internets about this for the next week and a half. Usually I try to vary the topics which I deluge you with online, but right now I reallyreally need to make sure that we're doing what we can to get people to come to our next workshop. So if you're interested, come along! And if you're not interested, but have friends who might be, please pass along the message!

Lifecycles: Food
16th June, 6:30pm to 8:30pm
The Edmund Rice Centre for Social Justice
24 High St, Fremantle

Are you an urban gardener? Do you care about animal rights? Do you want clearer labelling on food in the supermarket? Or perhaps you want to buy more ethical food, but don't know where to start? If you're already passionate about changing how we eat or just want to know more, Lifecycles: Food will give you a chance to learn, share, and develop some ideas for change that suit your interests and level of commitment.

The Bluestocking Institute's Lifecycles: Food workshop will build on The Politics of Food workshop by helping participants to share their knowledge and develop action plans around ethical and sustainable food production and consumption. The workshop will begin with a brief introduction outlining key issues and discussing methods for taking action on an individual and community level. We will then break into smaller groups in which participants can share ideas, either about issues that they already care about or about areas where they want to learn more. We'll finish with a short discussion period.

For more information or to RSVP:

* visit the Facebook event page at http://bit.ly/LifecyclesFood or
* email us at bluestocking@bluestockinginstitute.org.

Suggested donation $5

* I just got a care package from my mother, and it is awesome! A little sketch of Frida Kahlo, and a warm scarf with a hood, and a letter, and a book, and little chocolates, and love. My grandmother told her that J had just headed off, so she sent me some Care to keep me warm. Oh! I am very spoilt, in the love that I get.
* I wrote a ukulele song! It is about small things, and things that I like. It is not very good at all, but I am still very excited to have written a song. It's not a thing I ever imagined that I would be able to do, and it's only because liz has been so very encouraging that I even tried.
* This week has not sucked nearly as much as I thought it would. I've been sick, and have had a heap of marking, but I've been giving the house a lot of love so it feels like a lovely little nest, and the marking has actually been pretty interesting (and, at times, hilarious).

Why is this so pretty*? Why I am filled with a desire to live in tiny inconvenient spaces? WHY?

---
* From the inside. From the outside it is very ugly, but that could be easily fixed.

I've been sick this week. One illness that I needed to take antibiotics for, then feeling sick from the antibiotics, then a flu (or cold? what's the difference?) kind of thing that I picked up from BoyfriendFace. I feel rather tired and fragile. And snotty. Very snotty. And today a heap of marking came in, and BoyfriendFace left for Overseas for five-ish weeks.

It's a confluence of events that might incline one to feel a tad sooky, but I'm quite determined not to.

I did some tidying today, so the house feels like a warm little nest. I drank lots of water. I am remembering that BoyfriendFace is going to have fun learning adventures overseas, and that he is full of love for me (and I for him), and that we are solid like a rock. And while he is away doing his learning, I will also be learning: Esperanto, and ukulele, and Greek, and capoeira, and bellydancing, and maybe a few other things that are waiting in the wings. I'll be fixing up my thesis, and applying for a couple of jobs. I'll be spending time with the many excellent people in my life, and enjoying our lovely little household.

A household breakfast.

Darning and mending while eating snacks and chatting with my ladyfriends. Pleasant on many levels, including the fact that darning and mending for J and the Goslings makes me feel like I am showing my care for them in quiet and tender ways.

Chats and tea with J.

Ukulele.

Making things.

Writing in my journal, which has good paper, with my nice pen.

listening to French punk on Greek protest radio. trying to work out the situation Bangkok, reading tweets and commentary. marking. drinking greek coffee full of cardamom and cloves. will, in all probability, be staying up past my bedtime. reading, thinking, writing ill-formed fragments in the various places where i do such things.

Some things I have to do in the next two weeks:
* Two batches of marking, both of which are huge,
* Participate in our web conference thing,
* Study frantically for my greek exam, which is on the 11th of May and is way above my level (again),
* Sift through another 500 or so parliamentary debates,
* Sort out speakers for our next workshop.
* Start my thesis corrections

Plus all the 'optional' stuff, like capoeira and ukulele and family and friends and house maintenance and bicycles, that keeps me sane.

I know that most of this is stuff that I want to do, although frankly I could happily leave the RA stuff...I took it on before I knew how much teaching I'd be doing. Last fortnight was rough, and I got quite sooky. Marking all day and most of the weekend does not, apparently, fill me with joy and light. The next couple of weeks are going to be rough, too, but I'm going to try hard not to spend the whole time feeling stressed out and isolated.

One plan is to do more fitting-people-into-gaps, trying to call people or catch up when I unexpectedly have an hour or two spare here and there. And then, when this subsides a little, I really want to cook for people. Do you know, I think that I haven't had people over for dinner at all since we moved? All the housemate dinners are lovely, but it will be even more awesome to have more of you over for dinner!

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rhyll

July 2012

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