wordfalls and scatters

I'm spending at awful lot of time these days battling uphill to Make Stuff. Staring at sentences, writing a few words, deleting them. I get everything that I need to do done, because I always get everything that I need to do done (for a given definition of "need"). But it often feels like such a struggle. And the things at the edge, the things that I would like to do, the things that I want to do for me and not anyone else, they often fall by the wayside.

I have an awful lot to do over the next two weeks. I have this Big Project for work which involves learning a heap of new skills, and the Big Project is meant to be leaving space to publish, somehow. And hopefully I'll be moving house, too. And then once the creation phase of Big Project has mostly been completed, I have to actually implement Big Project, in between doing a heap of other work and preparing for a conference and, again, trying to fit in some publishing.

I need to get better at getting around the blocks I have to Making Stuff. I need to get better at finding my focus, and not just staring and playing type-and-delete-and-type. I have moments of this, sometimes, but it needs to be happening more consistently. I need to work out how to breathe and relax and let out the anxiety that trips me up.

Because I really do love making stuff, and this stuff is potentially good and interesting and useful stuff.

Well, J just left for Europe for six weeks and I'm trying to do my Greek homework, but mostly just feeling unsettled. It felt strange coming back to the house from the airport - everything feels musty and abandoned, and smells all wrong. I'm going to tidy a little tonight when I get back from class, not because it's messy but because I think I need to re-settle into the house a bit, give it some love and nest a bit. When I finish I'll listen to some audio books and do some craft.

Part of me is fretting about missing him. We haven't spent this much time apart since we started going out, and it feels odd that he's going to be meeting people and learning things and be in new places and I won't be there to be part of it. At the same time, I know that this is going to be a great time for him, and I'm glad he's having the experience. And even though I know I'll miss him, I'm going to make sure that I use the time well. I'm going to spend as much time with my family as I can spare, which I'm looking forward to. I'm going to do craft, and write, and stay up past my bedtime. I'm going to practice ukulele and accordion. I'm going to spend some days alone wandering the city and having adventures, which it feels like I haven't done in the longest time. I'm going to see friends.

And I'm even going to resist the urge to throw out J's giant inflatable penguin.

I have been Getting Stuff Done:
* I finished my conclusion last week and sent it off to supervisorfaces. This means I now have a complete draft of the whole thing, and it is 'just' editing and rewriting to be done. Hurrah!
* This year I actually baked presents for Neighbour Day! (I accidentally used coriander instead of ginger in the first batch of gingerbread cookies, and have been rather confused to find that both J and I find them to be quite acceptable.) I baked a big batch of gingerbread sparkle cookies, and another one of choc chip cookies, and after Family visits I'm going to put them in bags and take them around.
* I have been pretty good at doing my Greek homework, although I was too tired on Friday and too busy yesterday. So today is going to be Extra Greek day.
* On Friday night I went to Perth Praxis, a left-wing dinner/talk/thing. Often this kind of thing gets me down, because of the in-fighting and the repetition. But Cedric's talk about how he came to identify as a radical democrat was really interesting for me. He talked a bit about his parents, and about South Africa (where he grew up). He talked - very briefly - about having to join the South African army in order to get a passport to leave the country, and ending up taking part in a revolution (actually, several) on the wrong side. I can hardly imagine how awful that must feel. Discussion afterwards got a bit frustrating, as it always does, but I made notes on who to talk to afterwards. I am not really interested in abstract, long-term, reactionary campaigns and protests. I like the thought of small projects that build something better and more beautiful. Stuff that sounds interesting on that front: a Food Not Bombs chapter might be starting up in Perth, the Really Really Free Market is coming up, and there are a few people around the place that I'm going to talk to more.
* March is Mending Month on craftzine! Yesterday I sewed up some holes in my favourite pants and hemmed them, and darned some of J's shorts. It is the first time I have hemmed and darned! I found it quite satisfying, thank you.