wordfalls and scatters

There are many things from the last few weeks that I want to write about, but can't write about here. They're too important or private for the Internet, or not mine to write about in public.

I can write about the small things which have consoled me.

It has been so lovely to be welcome, to be able to be there, without a fuss made about it. I have felt grateful that there has been space for me to cook, do dishes, make tea, do all the small domestic acts that allow me to show love and care for the people around me.

I have felt quiet and steady and useful, because others have nurtured that tiny sprout of a feeling, after weeks and weeks of feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I like to be quiet and steady and useful, now and then, because it carries me through and makes me strong.

I woke up this morning and the first worries that sprang to my mind were about work, everything that needs to be done today, tomorrow, before Monday. That is a consolation in itself. I know I'll get it done, one part after another.

It is tremendously consoling to have a sense of myself as someone who can do what is needed, and provide comfort and care, even under difficult circumstances.

And I have been buoyed by the love and care of others. J, who has helped me to be strong and given me hugs when I wasn't, and all of Pink Hair Claire's wonderful words that I can carry with me whenever I need to, and House Claire who has made it easier to cook for people that I love, and my wonderful family, and all of the people who have sent messages of love and support.

The last couple of months have been hard, for a whole heap of reasons. But I think it's going to be okay. Now is the time for putting my house (literal and metaphorical) in order, finding a safe space for future adventures.

My weekend has not-at-all gone to plan, for a variety of reasons. I seem to have spent most of the weekend feeling sore or sick or anxious or tired, or some combination of the above. But, oddly, I've had a very good weekend, considering.

I spent most of yesterday watching Justice League cartoons with J, and then had dinner with my father. It wasn't what I'd intended to do, but it was a pretty good way to spend a sick day.

Today, I meant to help buy a bicycle. Instead, I bought a sewing machine, a ridiculous gothy dress, and some impractical suspenders. I had Adventures, which I suspect were challenging at times for at least three of the four of us adventuring. I got a flat tyre and had to be picked up. I had biscuits and tea. I did my Greek homework, and did battle with punctures, spiders, and rust.

I didn't get the things I had planned to done, and I worried a lot. But I had a good time, and I felt like I learnt some new things. And I felt spoilt by the people in my life again.

In other news: I am still pretty terrible at the ukulele and accordion. I am branching out into being terrible at singing, as well. It is very satisfying.