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rhyllon the whole, in life right now, i feel fairly content. happy, in a quiet kind of way. a zen-like calm, even (with apologies to those who actually practice zen...stuff...) like, the sort of happy you get (or i get, at any rate) from good friends and a clean house and pleasant cooking and a really fucking excellent mug full of peppermint tea to drink while i tippety tap away at my computer.
and yet, at the same time, i feel...restless. perhaps? something...odd... i am filled with undefined longing.
again.
now that i think about it, this happens all the fucking time.
i'm not sure how i feel about it.
i think i prefer defined longing. this morning i had huge mug-desire, and i went out and bought a mug. simple. easy. (yes, yes, i know that's how capitalism gets you.)
undefined longing really sucks. especially when you transfer it to Things rather than managing to work out what it is you're yearning for.
maybe i'm expecting too much. maybe the sense of vague undefined longing is just part of living in the horribly fractured postmodern world where meaning is uncertain and we're not sure what the hell we're here for or what we're meant to be doing.
even if it is, i don't think i'm happy to accept that. and while my mug is pretty (it's half as big as my head, has a lid, and has fish on it. i love it dearly) it can hardly substitute for.... whatever it is i'm lacking. (i'm open to suggestions.)
ah well. at least i got to cement a new friendship today, with an excellent person and her excellent house. and we played jenga, and got up to 32 levels. i can't remember if that's impressive or not, but we were impressed.
and yet, at the same time, i feel...restless. perhaps? something...odd... i am filled with undefined longing.
again.
now that i think about it, this happens all the fucking time.
i'm not sure how i feel about it.
i think i prefer defined longing. this morning i had huge mug-desire, and i went out and bought a mug. simple. easy. (yes, yes, i know that's how capitalism gets you.)
undefined longing really sucks. especially when you transfer it to Things rather than managing to work out what it is you're yearning for.
maybe i'm expecting too much. maybe the sense of vague undefined longing is just part of living in the horribly fractured postmodern world where meaning is uncertain and we're not sure what the hell we're here for or what we're meant to be doing.
even if it is, i don't think i'm happy to accept that. and while my mug is pretty (it's half as big as my head, has a lid, and has fish on it. i love it dearly) it can hardly substitute for.... whatever it is i'm lacking. (i'm open to suggestions.)
ah well. at least i got to cement a new friendship today, with an excellent person and her excellent house. and we played jenga, and got up to 32 levels. i can't remember if that's impressive or not, but we were impressed.