I have been thinking some thoughts, possibly too many

[rhyll]

Last night I ended up staying up until 4, despite plans for an early night and restorative sleep. I wanted to finish the last story in a book of 1970s science fiction novels, and then I accidentally started to read Temeraire. (if you take exception at my use of the term 'accidentally', it happened like this: slip, fall, bump my head, knock book to floor. gradually regain consciousness, only barely aware that I am starting to read the first page, which seems to have fallen open.' Ok? Good.) Then I accidentally finished it. It was very good, but mostly I think it was just nice for me to be up in that quiet, empty time, doing something that is just for me.

Sometimes these days I feel like I am losing touch with myself, rushing around and doing things that need to be done and are good for me, but which aren't driven by curiosity and delight. It makes me happy to do uni work, and see people, and go to Greek class, etc etc etc, but I think I also need secret-mission-time, and reading-time, and learning-about-odd-subjects-time.

I wonder a bit if I am hanging on to an outdated picture of myself. During highschool, I wasn't miserable, but in my vague memories of the time it feels like I was just a vague mishmash of characters from a variety of highschool novels. The first few years of uni were when I started to explore the world more, and a big part of that was spending a lot of time alone doing missions-reading-learning-etc.


But maybe now I have become a different me, who needs to do different things? It was nice to read last night, and to wake up this morning and wander around the garden. There were birds (flecked brown with a little red thingy under their neck?) diving around under the treehouse, catching bugs and flying around me. But I have to engage with the adult world somehow, to find where I fit into it.

I guess I am thinking about it more as my thesis (hopefully!) draws to a close, and I have to decide what comes next. After the last week, I kind of want out - I'm feelingvery discouraged about my capabilities as a teacher and a researcher, although I suspect that has as much to do with having felt sick as any real assessment of the situation.

Also, yesterday I went to visit my family and they showed me lots of pictures of Greece, and of all my family there, and I thought that it would be nice to go there for a bit (maybe a few months?) and meet everyone and learn Greek. And then I think also of South Africa, where other family is, and I think of my family here that I would miss, and my community of people, and...

This all probably sounds rather overwrought. I am not too bothered about deciding anything just yet, I suppose I've just got used to writing things down as a way to think them through. Now I'm going to go play in the sunshine, which is lovely.



Probably the only thing that you really need to know is that you should look for some videos of baby pandas doing things.

Comments

[boxer-the-horse.livejournal.com]

Sky, I can answer at least one of the questions above.

They are called 'wattle birds'. :P

[alexmoon.livejournal.com]

That was the most important question!

[superjamielol.livejournal.com]

yeah i get like this sometimes, it's called feeling old. i worried about it from the age of 17 onwards, until i realised you're really only as old as you act and feel

do all that adult shit, pay your debt off, get a job, dress fancy when required etc etc. just don't forget to go on adventures and play videogames and sleep in and blow raspberries on people and have fancy fun time as well :)


also, red pandas are superior to baby pandas. if i could have any animal as a pet, it would be one of them. they are AWESOME!!!

http://images.google.com.au/images?q=red+pandas

[barakketh.livejournal.com]

I think that you do adult well. I think that certainty appeals right up until you have it and then you are trapped. Also you are awesome.

[the-widow-black.livejournal.com]

I don't know about what it means to be an adult, or what anyone should do with their lives, but I do know that seeing you for thirty seconds on Oxford Street a month ago does not count as "catching up".

Let's meet for coffee or similar, and maybe search for answers to our questions, or maybe just play Scrabble, or maybe just whatever.