Back on the net
Mar. 2nd, 2006 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rhyllWell, I have an hour to kill now, because I trekked out to an interview only to find out that it was meant to be at midday, not ten. So I am stuck in a not particularly pleasant (but not unsafe) part of town for a while.
The last few days have been relatively productive, but for some reason I've been having stupid levels of anxiety. I think it's partly because everyone I meet here becomes my New Best Friend - which is quite lovely of them, and I appreciate that everyone is so open and ready to look after me. But given how anxious I get about interpersonal interactions that step even slightly beyond the professional, it makes me quite uncomfortable. And it makes me additionally uncomfortable because I really can't think of any way to properly explain it to someone I've just met.
This has been rather more of an issue for the last few days because one of my Raitha Sangha friends stayed with me while he was doing some work here. While he's been incredibly nice to me (without being at all flirty or sleazy), I have still found it somewhat trying, because I am full of Crazy.
It seems ridiculous how exhausting I find it when people make it clear that they enjoy my company and want to spend more time with me. Well. That bit I'm ok with. But as soon as someone exhibits any kind of disappointment at not getting to see me (or is tired or worried about something else when they're talking to me, which I interpret as being upset because of me), I start to fret and get anxious at the thought of spending time with them.
Dear me but my head is stupid. While I've developed fairly effective coping strategies at home, it's still hard here. I end up having to lie a lot, which is not my favourite thing to do.
In less introspective, and somewhat scattered, news:
* Yesterday morning: went to interview a guy from Janastu, an IT group workign to provide information management to NGOs. He took me to a presentation by a group of US students on the exchange program they've been doing here, where I met some fairly cool people and also saw some old friends from the Environment Support Group (who ran the program) again.
* Yesterday afternoon: Went to meet Prasad at a protest against Bush's visit. Got too anxious about being around people and gathering police, so I went off home.
* Yesterday evening: Went to 'fireflies', a hotel/cultural centre about 20kms out of Bangalore where the US students are staying. Had some chatting, had some anxiety about being among a heap of strangers and having to either make friends or sit alone in the corner (went with a mixed strategy), watching a dance/poetry performance. I'm interested to see how the students took it, because it was quite anti-American. An Indian woman was performing a poem about the absurdity of "a moment's silence" for the 9/11 victims when there have been so many other deaths that needed to be mourned. She was accompanying her words with quite stylised Indian-dance-style (I forget the name) gestures. Very controlled and strong movements. Afterwards I got a lift back in an Ambassador with a couple of the young women from the Environment Support Group. So nice to have some girl-time! We talked about boys and capoeira and yoga and cooking and Australia, and it was pleasant.
*Day-before-yesterday: Two interviews that started off with me saying, "So, I'm looking at the opposition to GE foods..." and was surprised to discover that the interviewees had been attending the South Aganist Genetic Engineering conference as speakers for GE foods. Some bluffing followed.
*Day-before-day-before-yesterday evening: Went to a Hindu temple with Prasad. Prayers punctuated by ceiling fans. It felt like silence although the traffic from the road outside was still audible. Prasad and I got told off for sitting next to each other. It is Not Allowed.
Right. Time to attempt to re-find the place I'm having my interview.
I miss you all, and can't wait to see you again!
The last few days have been relatively productive, but for some reason I've been having stupid levels of anxiety. I think it's partly because everyone I meet here becomes my New Best Friend - which is quite lovely of them, and I appreciate that everyone is so open and ready to look after me. But given how anxious I get about interpersonal interactions that step even slightly beyond the professional, it makes me quite uncomfortable. And it makes me additionally uncomfortable because I really can't think of any way to properly explain it to someone I've just met.
This has been rather more of an issue for the last few days because one of my Raitha Sangha friends stayed with me while he was doing some work here. While he's been incredibly nice to me (without being at all flirty or sleazy), I have still found it somewhat trying, because I am full of Crazy.
It seems ridiculous how exhausting I find it when people make it clear that they enjoy my company and want to spend more time with me. Well. That bit I'm ok with. But as soon as someone exhibits any kind of disappointment at not getting to see me (or is tired or worried about something else when they're talking to me, which I interpret as being upset because of me), I start to fret and get anxious at the thought of spending time with them.
Dear me but my head is stupid. While I've developed fairly effective coping strategies at home, it's still hard here. I end up having to lie a lot, which is not my favourite thing to do.
In less introspective, and somewhat scattered, news:
* Yesterday morning: went to interview a guy from Janastu, an IT group workign to provide information management to NGOs. He took me to a presentation by a group of US students on the exchange program they've been doing here, where I met some fairly cool people and also saw some old friends from the Environment Support Group (who ran the program) again.
* Yesterday afternoon: Went to meet Prasad at a protest against Bush's visit. Got too anxious about being around people and gathering police, so I went off home.
* Yesterday evening: Went to 'fireflies', a hotel/cultural centre about 20kms out of Bangalore where the US students are staying. Had some chatting, had some anxiety about being among a heap of strangers and having to either make friends or sit alone in the corner (went with a mixed strategy), watching a dance/poetry performance. I'm interested to see how the students took it, because it was quite anti-American. An Indian woman was performing a poem about the absurdity of "a moment's silence" for the 9/11 victims when there have been so many other deaths that needed to be mourned. She was accompanying her words with quite stylised Indian-dance-style (I forget the name) gestures. Very controlled and strong movements. Afterwards I got a lift back in an Ambassador with a couple of the young women from the Environment Support Group. So nice to have some girl-time! We talked about boys and capoeira and yoga and cooking and Australia, and it was pleasant.
*Day-before-yesterday: Two interviews that started off with me saying, "So, I'm looking at the opposition to GE foods..." and was surprised to discover that the interviewees had been attending the South Aganist Genetic Engineering conference as speakers for GE foods. Some bluffing followed.
*Day-before-day-before-yesterday evening: Went to a Hindu temple with Prasad. Prayers punctuated by ceiling fans. It felt like silence although the traffic from the road outside was still audible. Prasad and I got told off for sitting next to each other. It is Not Allowed.
Right. Time to attempt to re-find the place I'm having my interview.
I miss you all, and can't wait to see you again!