(no subject)
Nov. 17th, 2005 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rhyll* I got to watch 'Only the Strong'. and i loved it. i don't care if it's crappy B-grade, i still love it. i want to own it! on DVD!
* feeling very odd last few days. lots of anxiety, bits of random sadness. today i feel better, in a very immanent way. i feel like doing something physical. pity capoeira tonight is angola...definitely far more in the mood for some fast and intense regional.
* giving up on group situations for now (parties and such). anything above four or five people in a 'safe' place is a little too intimidating for me right now. and i've decided that while i'm in melbourne i'm not going to try and push myself too much...if the social events are too intimidating, or even if i feel too self-conscious playing, then i'm going to remind myself that i can leave if i want to. capoeira would be nice, but so would a few days wandering around melbourne, not being too stressed out by the world.
* can't get motivated to work at the moment. i really, really, don't give a shit about social movement theory right now. i'm at least getting little flashes of care, but i can't seem to sustain my concentration span. issues with people aren't helping (feeling out of the place at the office is distracting, working at home is distracting because i can get carried away fretting too easily).
* still, i have numerous Plans to deal with these things. accomodating my crazy but working out ways to get around it. i do think that it will all be ok, in the end.
* i'm still having a lot of doubts about my research project. sometimes it seems to relevant and necessary, at other times it seems like i'm setting up straw men to shoot down. last night i dreamt that i wanted to change my research project, to something i was initially interested in. doing something far more personal (and possible self-involved)...examining the relationship one has as a political scientist/intellectual to the politics of the left, how to reconcile one's own politics with one's research. (that's not a terribly good overview of it, just a brief attempt at summarising.) basically, i wanted - and still want - to do something that's personal, actually sorts out one of the major problems in my life, but still has a lot of relevance to others (especially the sort of people that would read my thesis) and can engage with a heap of interesting political philosophy and empirical examples.
* i'm also having repeated daydreams about packing it all in at university and running away to live on a boat and write. i have to keep reminding myself that the work i'm doing at the moment (or not doing, as the case may be), is a means to an end. basically, though, a lot of the time i don't actually enjoy what i'm doing at the moment all that much. i want that feeling i used to have back! i love feeling like i'm properly engaged with ideas and arguments, diving through it all and pulling things together and performing unexpected theoretical glissades. i know it hasn't been there all that often during my university career, but it has been there at times (and still is). not just during my work, either - talking with people, arguing, debating, getting excited about a new idea or plan. i'm still trying to wake my brain up. i'm still trying to drag my attention back to reality, instead of hiding away in other people's books. i want to write my own stories! i want to be brave and adventurous and fully alive!
and i will, too.
* feeling very odd last few days. lots of anxiety, bits of random sadness. today i feel better, in a very immanent way. i feel like doing something physical. pity capoeira tonight is angola...definitely far more in the mood for some fast and intense regional.
* giving up on group situations for now (parties and such). anything above four or five people in a 'safe' place is a little too intimidating for me right now. and i've decided that while i'm in melbourne i'm not going to try and push myself too much...if the social events are too intimidating, or even if i feel too self-conscious playing, then i'm going to remind myself that i can leave if i want to. capoeira would be nice, but so would a few days wandering around melbourne, not being too stressed out by the world.
* can't get motivated to work at the moment. i really, really, don't give a shit about social movement theory right now. i'm at least getting little flashes of care, but i can't seem to sustain my concentration span. issues with people aren't helping (feeling out of the place at the office is distracting, working at home is distracting because i can get carried away fretting too easily).
* still, i have numerous Plans to deal with these things. accomodating my crazy but working out ways to get around it. i do think that it will all be ok, in the end.
* i'm still having a lot of doubts about my research project. sometimes it seems to relevant and necessary, at other times it seems like i'm setting up straw men to shoot down. last night i dreamt that i wanted to change my research project, to something i was initially interested in. doing something far more personal (and possible self-involved)...examining the relationship one has as a political scientist/intellectual to the politics of the left, how to reconcile one's own politics with one's research. (that's not a terribly good overview of it, just a brief attempt at summarising.) basically, i wanted - and still want - to do something that's personal, actually sorts out one of the major problems in my life, but still has a lot of relevance to others (especially the sort of people that would read my thesis) and can engage with a heap of interesting political philosophy and empirical examples.
* i'm also having repeated daydreams about packing it all in at university and running away to live on a boat and write. i have to keep reminding myself that the work i'm doing at the moment (or not doing, as the case may be), is a means to an end. basically, though, a lot of the time i don't actually enjoy what i'm doing at the moment all that much. i want that feeling i used to have back! i love feeling like i'm properly engaged with ideas and arguments, diving through it all and pulling things together and performing unexpected theoretical glissades. i know it hasn't been there all that often during my university career, but it has been there at times (and still is). not just during my work, either - talking with people, arguing, debating, getting excited about a new idea or plan. i'm still trying to wake my brain up. i'm still trying to drag my attention back to reality, instead of hiding away in other people's books. i want to write my own stories! i want to be brave and adventurous and fully alive!
and i will, too.
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no subject
on 2005-11-17 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
on 2005-11-19 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2005-11-17 08:16 am (UTC)Sheesh.
no subject
on 2005-11-20 12:00 am (UTC)and i have friends with dvds...admittedly they'd have to be pretty damn patient to let my watch it at their place more than once, though