more than i deserve

lexington left comics on the doorstep for me yesterday. and i haven't seen him in ages.

often, i feel like i'm a really, really, crap friend for anyone to have.
i try and justify it by reminding myself that i only have so much energy to give, and a lot of that is needed to keep myself sane and functioning, but i'm not sure if that's true or just me being selfish. partly i think it's that i get scared when i become too large a part of someone's life. i start worrying that i'm going to let them down or make them cry and i end up withdrawing because i feel too pressured.

well. that's my pop psychology analysis of it anyway. maybe i am just selfish.

i'm pretty stressed about people right now. scared shitless about relationship decisions, hoping so much that i'm not going to do the same stupid things i always seem to do.

i'm trying really hard to trust my best friend is going to stay just that, and despite my immense distrust of friendship the fact that they're hanging around and thinking about things and being amazing way beyond the call of duty is giving me some faith.

plus, there seems a good chance i got into postgrad stuff, which is a major factor right now in getting me up in the mornings.

oh well. time to go do some centrelink stuff. yay. applying for jobs i'm unqualified for, don't want, and can't accept.

*sigh* elizabeth's called yesterday and kind of offered me a job. it would have been awfully nice working in a bookshop.