a bad time to be sad

so. this friend of mine, who is away. and she used to be my best friend, and now i haven't had contact with her in months.

and its easy to avoid talking about. if you have a messy breakup you have to fight people off with a stick to avoid 'talking it through', but if it's a friendship thing it's easy to hide.

baka tells me i should call her or something. and i say no, because i wrote and she never wrote back.

it sounds childish, doesn't it?

it's hard to explain to myself.

it's just that... if she'd wanted to be my friend still, surely she would have written? and if she doesn't want to be my friend, i have no right or desire to force it on her.

i don't feel that i'm allowed to make demands on people, unless they authorise it. (if they do i'm very demanding, unfortunately.)

i'm not mad at her. (i have moments of fretting, because i worry that the reason she hasn't written is because she's been hit by a truck or something, but deep down i know that isn't why.) i want her to be happy, and i think she probably is right now.

i don't even really want her to write, anymore. (perhaps i give up too easily?)

it's just that there are so many things around my life that remind me of her, and i think about her every day and she probably doesn't even realise. she probably thinks that because she's out of the room i've forgotten that she exists, because we always used to joke that my stupid head was just like that. but there are times that i miss our friendship so much it feels like i'm never going to stop crying.

who knows. maybe i'm choc-full of crazy juice for not writing to her. i can never tell with things like this. i think i'm doing the right thing - that eventually you have to let go of friends - but then i never know because i worry so often that i'm all stupid when it comes to people things.

oh well. my thesis is due in fifteen hours, so perhaps there are better times to worry about it.

little sister the sky is falling/ i don't care/ i don't care

finished.
Finished.

yup. well, i mean i still have to go over the damn thing again. and do the contents page and bibliography. and make sure my attempts at titles and subtitles don't suck too much. and go through and fix all my spelling and grammar mistakes, because i don't use stupid spell check as it irritates me.
oh, and wait for Samina's comments so i can rewrite if necessary.

but *apart* from all that, i'm done. a few hours from now it will be handed in and i won't need to fret anymore about whether or not i should be working on the damn thing. (hmm. although i will need to start fretting about exam study.)