rhyll: (Default)
[personal profile] rhyll
It's been an awfully long time since I've written here. I haven't written about Burning Man, or San Francisco, or getting back and all the things that have happened since.

I don't know where to start, and I don't know if anyone's still reading. You're not writing much, these days.

I'm writing a lot, these days, just not here. I'm writing much more than usual in my on-paper journal, which is just for me, as I try to Work Some Stuff Out. I'm writing emails and on FB and Twitter and Diaspora. I'm trying to write more on my blog: every post I write makes me cringe with embarrassment at how clumsy it is, but I know the only way to keep better is to keep writing and live with imperfection. I'm trying to relearn how to write research-stuff, and how to research. It feels hard.

I'm also thinking a lot about who I want to be and how I want to fit into the world. How I want to live.

I've been fretting a lot about not having published anything over the last year. The last year's been very hard emotionally, and my contract at work hasn't left room for research and writing. But still I fret, because I know that if I want to be an Awesome Academic (TM) I need to publish stuff.

So, maybe I'm not going to be an Awesome Academic (TM). Maybe I'm not going to be an academic at all, because there doesn't seem to be a lot of room in academia for people who don't make time to publish. I don't know what I might end up being, because reading and writing and teaching is the only thing I do that people seem to want to give me money for.

I'm probably not going to be a Brilliant Author (TM) either.
Or change the world.

I think I'm okay with that.

There are sacrifices I don't want to make. There are plenty of things I want to do just for the sake of doing them, and not because they'll help me to Achieve Goals. I don't want to give up all the things I do without any hope of being ever being great at them (dancing, cycling, ukulele, greek...) I know the time I spend pottering around the house or seeing friends or visiting family takes time away from research and writing, but I don't want to give it up. I want space to compromise and travel with my tiny chosen family, even if it isn't great for my career. I want to work with friends on shared projects, even if they're tiny silly projects.

So, maybe I'm not going to be Awesome. I don't know what I'll be, but I think it'll be...nice. In a quiet kind of way. And that's okay.
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rhyll

July 2012

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